Random
by Lexion Kidd
Summary: Mest and Wnedy are roommates, Carla is Wendy's pet cat(devil), and all people included are greatly OOC. Very dramatic fictional character warning. No real pairing unless you want to see it that way. Genre says humor, but humor is in the eye of the beholder.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANYTHING in Fairy Tail!

Unrelated Note: Did anybody see that deathbattle between Zoro and Erza?!

Hardly wondering where to go, he wandered across the barren wasteland searching endlessly for the one thing he desired the most… a burrito. With LOTS of beans and queso. And maybe some hot sauce… but that was just a desire. Nothing too fancy, just a burrito. But it was so far to the fridge, he wasn't really sure he'd make it all the way across the living room, through the dining room and past the worst trap of all (the cats litter box) before he died of hunger. Sinking to his knees in agony, he began to moan about his sad lot in life, when suddenly an angel appeared! She was beautiful in all her capability of getting him that burrito that he found himself unable to do anything but scream.

"WENDY! Oh, thank goodness you're here! I was about die a tragic death filled with remorse, and don't worry, you were there too somewhere I'm sure, when into my life you….. wait….wait, no WENDY! WENDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

During Mest's pitiful spiel of woe, Wendy had managed to walk across the living room, leaned down to pet Carla, and walked right past the mess of a person called her roommate without even a second glance. Her mind was solely on that accursed (now that she had defiled it with her evil ways of chewing, Mest would forever call it that) burrito, and once she had touched the Holy Refrigerator of the Landlady (Mest always called the landlady "Her Royal Holiness" for bestowing that upon their apartment when they first moved in) there wasn't a single thing that Mest, had he noticed what tragic crime she was about to commit, could've done to stop her. And obliviously, Mest had believed her too pure of heart to do something as evil as eating his burrito RIGHT IN FRONT HIM! Cue the tragic cries of helplessness.

"How could you!? That was my only chance at survival, and now you've ruined me! Ruined! Do you understand what that means Wendy!? What that means to my continued existence as your roommate!? I needed that burrito to write, and if I don't write, I can't pay rent, and if I can't pay rent, I'll be kicked out! If I'm kicked out, you'll miss out on being the roommate of the greatest author in the world!"

Mest crawled like a worm towards Wendy as she stood leaning against the counter, looking at him with the MOST bored expression the world has ever produced from a female. The MOST. As Mest started clinging to her feet and sobbing, she merely swallowed and looked at down at the floor where, completely undisturbed by the caterwauling being done by her owners roommate, Carla sat grooming herself in a most prim manner, effectively ignoring, as most cats can, the looks of longing for affection that her owner was giving her. Ah, what a most absurd love triangle was forming. Mest for the burrito Wendy held, while Wendy longed to hold Carla in her arms and pet her soft, white fur for eternity (seriously, Mest hated Carla with a vengeance, but even he admitted that her fur was the softest he'd ever felt. Now if only she'd stop leaving it all on his bed). Mest soldiered on with his theatrics.

"If I can't write, I'll have nothing to do! I'll have to get a hobby. But I don't have any interests outside of writing! Writing is my life! I'd- OW!"

This final addition to his speech was courtesy of Wendy kicking his chin and Carla biting into hand that was clinging just a little too far up Wendy's leg for her taste. Say what one might about Carla's aversion to affection, she was fiercely loyal to her master when it came to men and Wendy.

"Oh, stop it Mest. I didn't kick you that hard."

"You're dumb cat bit my hand! What was I supposed to say?! Oh thank you most benevolent devil cat, for sharing your mighty teeth with my fingers?!"

Of course, to this stunning appreciation Carla simply bowed her head in a very snooty 'Your Welcome' kind of way, to which Mest responded with by grabbing the nearest throwable object (the burrito) to throw at the offending blob of fluff and sass that was currently fueling his hunger based ire. However, before any kind of motion could be made to launch the delectable soon-to-be-projectile, Mest let out a sharp yelp and dropped the burrito to the ground and clutched his head in pain. Standing triumphantly over the hunched over being of Mest with the weapon she managed to grab first (the frying pan) was Wendy, smiling like a maniac at her achievement.

"Dadgummit woman, that hurt! What did I ever do to you?"

"Oh, you've done plenty! But that's not the reason I hit you." Pointing her weapon at the offending object of bones and flesh in front of her (Wendy refused to admit Mest was a human being, not after the terrible, heinous crime he was about to commit) she frowned with her best frowning face and steamed. Like, literally, steam was pouring out of her ears and nose in pure indignation. "Do you have any idea what you were about to do?!"

"I was about to splatter the Devil with a half-eaten burrito!" And now the seriousness of what he almost did sank in. "Oh no! What have I almost done!? I was this close to defiling the perfection of the burrito by making it connect with this demon! How could I almost do such a thing!?"

While Mest was having a meltdown about the terrible thing he had almost done, Wendy went over and picked up the burrito that was lying in a pile on the floor. Turning with the burrito in hand, she peered at very closely, giving it a thorough once over before taking a big bite out of it. Smiling at the fact that the beans and queso were untouched by the fall from hand to floor, she hummed in total bliss as the wonderful taste filled her mouth with wonderful dreams of eating this burrito all day long. However, as all good things, this was brought to a sudden halt by Wendy's eyes connecting with the sight of Mest crossing himself with a rosary while staring at her and mumbling something about her. Catching the last sentence of his chant, she deadpanned a deadpan that would've made a statue proud.

"…..and forgive this heathenic cretin that doth cheweth this way, for she knows not what she does." With a final cross and an amen, he tossed the rosary over his shoulder and matched deadpan for deadpan. And thus began their weekly*cough*daily*cough* staring contest that always, and I mean ALWAYS ended with a dash for the ice cream truck that came around the corner precisely at 6'o'clock Monday through Friday. The weekends were like hell on Earth, I mean what kind of ice cream establishment doesn't work on the weekends?! And just like every other day, the familiar jingle was heard coming down the block. Wendy's left eye twitched. Mest's hands twitched like one of those cliché cowboy duels. Suddenly Wendy bolted for the door, nabbing her purse on her way out the door, Mest breathing right down her neck waving his wallet and shouting at the ice cream man (affectionately referred to as "His Royal Holiness" by Mest, and just "Jim" by Wendy) to hold on to the last Sea Salt Ice Cream, as well as, and I quote "for the love of all that's holy, keep that evil punk across the road from stealing all the sprinkles, because I really don't feel like dealing with a sobbing Wendy all night!"

A half hour later, Wendy and Mest sat at their kitchen table, happily eating their ice cream in total silence. The only sound that could be heard was the crunch of Mest eating his ice cream, and the soft moans of Wendy eating hers. Yes, all was right and peaceful in the Gryder-Marvell household, so silent not even a cricket would dare make a chirp, and every mouse was holding its breath from making a peep. It was even so peaceful that this narrator was actually feeling that the story might be over, and it's a kind of good feeling, very pea-

"Did you call me a heathenic cretin earlier?"

Good feeling obliterated.

Sucking on the end of his popsicle, determined to turn it into a sword even mightier than Excalibur, Mest just nodded, too content in the blissful act of eating ice cream to realize the danger he was putting himself in. Fortunately for him, Wendy was in her own blissful state and decided to just shrug and let it be. Can't be retribution driven all the time after all.

"You know that heathenic isn't even a real word right? I'm pretty sure that the authors spellcheck is telling him that it isn't a word, and yet he's used it like four times now."

"Yeah, well I don't care. It worked didn't it? You weren't struck down with lightning by the Head Burrito, right?"

"You don't really believe there's a burrito that goes around hitting people with lightning right? Oh who am I kidding, this is you we're talking about."

"Yeah, no duh we're talking about me. It's not like the devil cat you call Carla is is a person. And FYI, yes, I do believe in the Head Burrito."

Shaking her head at her roommate, Wendy just went back to eating her ice cream and daydreaming about eating more food. All was quiet again, and the author decided to end this before anything else-

"Hey Wendy, have any hobbies you would suggest for me?"

…..Again?

Choking slightly, Wendy sat up in her chair and swallowed her bite of ice cream. Coughing a bit, she got up and went to the fridge to grab a soda. "Okay, first of all, never ask for my advice. I HATE giving advice. You know this."

"Then why do you always give it to me when I don't want it?"

"Because then it's not advice, its guidance. Trust me; I took a parenting class first year of college."

"And that makes you totally qualified to to give unwanted advice and call it guidance. Makes total sense."

"Anyways, second of none, you-"

"Wait, second of none? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ugh, it's like saying the opposite of first of all. Two is double one, which means it's the opposite, and then none is the antonym of all, yeah? Trust me, I took a philosophy class first year of college."

"Okay, you took way too many classes first year of college, especially for someone who's never BEEN to college. And also, seriously, PHILOSOPHY? That explains nothing of what you were saying."

"Okay, just shut up. I know what I'm talking about."

"Debatable."

"Shut it Gryder. The other thing is that, you already have a hobby, what you need is a job."

"Hey! Writing IS my job!"

"Riiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhhttttt…."

"One more word and I swear your demon sleeps with the fishes tonight."

Wendy eyed Carla sitting atop the couch staring at the two bickering back and forth. "Yeah, have fun with that. Carla could scratch your eyes out in her sleep."

Mest deflated at that. "Yeah, you're probably right." He perked up. "Hey, that's my new hobby! Find a way to drown the devil cat without suffering bodily harm! I wonder if Natsu would join in on my little plan….."

And with that, this author is calling it a night. Hope you guys had fun reading this, sorry for any grammar Natzi's out there who read this and had a heart attack by my grammar. Hope you laughed!


End file.
